Survival Mode

I grew up fighting & have been doing that pretty much all of my adult life as well.  Its made me not tough but strong.  I hate to cry but it happens more than I’d care to admit, but for most of my life, if tears fell then that meant hands were swinging because I was yet again fighting.

I was that kid that heard on so many occasions, ‘learn to pick your battles’.  As I got older, the battles started picking me.  I actually do my best to avoid fights, yet some of them seem to make it to my doorstep even when I try to pretend I’m not home.  Coming from where I’m from, you fought.  Then I went into the military and fixed airplanes…as a black chick in Louisiana….fight.  Then I got married….and divorced…fight.  I then went into sales….fight.  Raised 2 children alone…fight.  I am tired of fighting.  So the fight I figured I would take on voluntarily was the fight to be a positive person, to try to inspire others to be a light in their world.  Then my health started going a bit haywire.  Dammit another fight.  Can I just say that this is a fight that has me more confused than any other one I’ve ever endured.  I eat right, I exercise, I don’t smoke & I was probably having more wine than I should but we have to have some indulgences right?  All of a sudden, no energy, rapid weight loss & the membrane around my heart has swollen up.  I know there are others out there with way worse health than mine but I don’t have to fight for them.

I will be honest, I am scared to de….life.  I’ve shed more tears than I care to admit, staying positive has been a true challenge.  I have no explanations for what is happening to me, I have lost 27lbs. without changing a thing in my life.  Silver lining I had a few dresses that were too small that still had tags on them, I’m wearing those bad boys now because once I’m healthy again, we know that at least 15lbs will come rushing back.  🙂  I am learning a lot of interesting things about what I thought was healthy eating.  I’m also learning how to cook right from fresh (I made this stellar stir fry where only the noodles weren’t fresh).  I have to gradually lay down at night because laying flat causes my heart to hurt.  I have to chew my first meal of the day for extra long or it feels as if I swallowed a piece of steak whole.  I can’t eat certain things or almost immediately my fingers & toes go numb, my chest hurts and I can’t breathe (this has been what’s really caused me to start with the fresh foods).

In this short period of time, I would be lying if I said my attitude hasn’t been in need of an adjustment.  For the first time in my life, I think I am sad more than I am happy.  I am constantly reminding myself that this is happening so I can help someone else in the future.  I am constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass.  I am also constantly reminding myself that God has me & I’m here for a divine reason.  I keep telling myself that all of the positive messages I have shared were when life was something I could handle.  Now that this is a scary challenge, on the other side is going to be a phenomenal message.  When the doctor says to you “you should have never drove yourself here, this is a 911 call because you could have died on the road” you thank God that you didn’t but really start questioning why you didn’t die on the road.  Not a cool question to have to ask yourself.  I could find a reason in that alone to wallow in misery but its that statement that really lets me know that I am here for a reason.  I am in survival mode because there is a message and a lesson here.  I am determined to learn it and I am determined to share it.  Can I just say that being positive was already a challenge….but as I said at the start of this, I grew up fighting so I guess I have to step to the challenge.  I’m tired of fighting but perhaps being a fighter is part of who I am.  DAMN the bad luck lol Lets fight!


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